Dancing with guilt

I love my second child dearly. She is like the wild child in me; brave, unrelenting and extremely imaginative. To a certain extend I envy her free-spirit. She was an easy baby to care for and so it came very much to my surprise how she had grown into this bubbly little girl with a huge temperament to handle.

I cannot recall a single day passed without some form of meltdown, screaming or frustration. Some times back, I’ve resorted to caning her in order to control those long painful screaming and crying outbreaks. But it didn’t take too long for me to notice that caning wasn’t the best solution but what made me put the cane off was when my 3 years old asked “Mummy, beating people is wrong. WHY DO YOU HIT ME?” I was taken aback. She was absolutely right.

So I kept the cane and told myself that I would try my very best to not lift it up again. But the screaming and whining did not end and it got everyone on their nerves. I am feeling helpless and often say harsh words to her in the heat of anger. It is not rocket science to know that such words are not helpful although it may stop the screaming for the moment. Every morning I would leave home for work feeling guilty that I won’t be with the kids for most of the day. I would return home in the evening exhausted. Very often I would try to summon all the remaining energy I have to spend some time with the kids but that leave me with very little patience for meltdowns and proper discipline. A quick solution is often what I would resort to in an effort to keep things in control. I would end my day cuddling guilt to bed… and the cycle repeats itself again.

I really want to be nicer to my kids, I want to do more activities with Jiejie, give Meimei more patience and  give the little boy more playtime. I want to do so much but there is just so much time in a day and I am feeling extremely tired, physically and mentally. Sometimes, I really feel that I would collapse; that I cannot carry on.
I know very well that allowing myself to be weak will never solve any problems. I must go on, even if I survive on coffee in the day and adrenaline in the evenings. I can do this. I know that I can.

Starting tomorrow, I want to break the vicious cycle of dancing with guilt. To improve my chances of success… here’s the plan:
1. say 3 nice things a day to the kids
2. start each day on a good note and make time to fuss over them
3. end each day with a nice word
4. no harsh words.

Sounds simple enough? I reckon. But everyone need to start somewhere, somehow…. Someday perhaps, I would look back and thank myself for this post today. =)
Good night, guilt. And good bye.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge