Pregnant and overwhlemed with guilt and uncertainty

It’s a quiet night, the kids are sound asleep. I am restless, pregnant and still spotting at week 16 (why, o why?)

I started bleeding somewhere in week 12. Although there was light spotting before, but I thought those were normal probably due to implantation. I had some spotting when I was pregnant with Renee, and so I wasn’t too worried about it. It was a heavy flow at week 12 (and then again at week 15) that got me frightened, very frightened. It was right after my OSCAR scan at Novena Medical Center. The lady helping me with the scan was rather rough, shaking my belly beyond my comfort as I watched Peanut jerked within me. She told me she was tickling him (a little), and that he was very active. She was trying to get Peanut to move into a position that was favourable for the scan. My previous experience with OSCAR scan at Thomson Medical Centre during my pregnancy with Chubby was a much better experience, I was advised to walk around until Chubby moved to the correct position, instead of being shaken repeatedly. Ironically, near the end of the scan she was trying to get Peanut to be in a relax position but her continuous shaking (or tickling) seemed to agitate him more. I had a bad feeling but trusted in professionals, after all, they should know better, right?

The trip home from the clinic was a traumatic one – I bled in the train and stained the seat. It wasn’t spotting, it was heavy flow and I could feel warm blood gushing out of me. I called my Gynae’s clinic and was advised to head to the hospital, which I later went to KKH. I was diagnosed with “Threaten Miscarriage” – a term that was really meaningless to me. They neither knew the cause of the bleeding nor where is the bleeding coming from (which part of the womb). I was given a an injection and prescribed hormones pills (twice daily for 2 weeks) to support my pregnancy. My Gynae check-up was in a couple of days and the diagnosis was the same. His best advise was for me to rest in bed. Something I couldn’t afford much of. I checked with him if the “trauma” during the OSCAR scan had anything to do with the bleeding and was told that it was an unlikely cause.

My Gynae’s reply offered me little assurance, I am overwhelmed with a mix of guilt and uncertainty. Was it the OSCAR scan? But he (the gynae) said it was unlikely. Could it be those blood cots formed in the beginning of the pregnancy? Was it the fall I sustained at about week 9? WHY AM I STILL BLEEDING NOW AT Week 16?!

I really want to snap out of this. This guilt-trip is affecting my sleep (which I am already quite deprived of). How can I get out of this? I hope I have a shut down button somewhere so that I can rest when I need to and not let these precious opportunities to recuperate slip away unproductively soaking my pillow and pulling my hair out.

My little peanut, please be well, the doctor say we will know more about your health at week 20 after the second OSCAR scan. This time, I will call and request for another Sonographer, just to be safe. I am shelving these emotions here now, because they are not helping us. Be assured that mommy will do all I can to protect you. I am so so sorry that we started on a bad foot, but let’s finish this on a good note, together. I am looking forward to receiving you in my arms.

I love you, you must know that.

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