This is my first post in 2015. It’s 1.35hr into the new year, and we just came home from watch night service a while ago. The kids are now all soundly asleep and I am here, fighting my sleepiness as I blog down my one resolution for the year 2015. Yes, one only and first in many many years. I’ve long given up on setting resolutions as I have never been good at sticking to them. But this is a special resolution-one that I want to really make it work.
If you have been following my blog, you would have already known that I have been struggling much with my precious middle child. And with a new baby coming in a matter of weeks, I am frankly feeling overwhelmed. The past week especially has been a trying period for me (and the kids). With our helper away on holiday, 3 kids home 24/7 on school holiday and work from my part-time homebase and freelance jobs, I am almost crushed. Doesn’t help that I am 37 weeks pregnant, stressed over my appeal for maternity leave, handicap in the kitchen, and my father-in-law was recently hospitalised on Christmas eve.
I was already drowning and sleep deprived when Renee woke up at 3am last night and woke up the sis and hubs too. I’d only slept at 2am and was feeling much physical discomfort due to my current pregnancy. I broke down in tears and demanded from my 5yo an explanation on why was she behaving the way she did (yes, I must be nuts). The whole saga ended with Renee back in her bed and me weeping away and wallowing in self-pity and resentment on my sofa. It was 4am.
This morning was a gloomy one for most of us at home. Everyone except Nat (who slept through), started new year’s eve on a ‘high’ note (from lack of sleep). I was still rather sore about the saga last night when Renee quietly passed me a little card she made for me. It was too absorbed in my own emotions to thank her for it, but when I opened the folded paper and saw what she drew, I was caught unguarded and broken within.
After all the resentment i have showed to my 5yo last night and in the morning, her reaction was much more gracious than what I have expected. She drew me a card. In it was us, under an umbrella on a rainy day. She knew I was having a hard time and she would be there for me. I was put to shame because it hit me then that I’ve been a fair-weather mum all this while.
I’ve enjoyed my little girl when she was tiny and cute as a button. I’ve beamed with pride in good times when she was sweet as a cupcake. But when bad weather came- when she didnt behave the way i wanted her to, when she costed me inconvenience and heartaches, i snapped. Yes, I have been a fair weather mum and I wasn’t aware till the last day of 2014.
I should be the one offering my kids unconditional acceptance and care. I should be their pillar of support, the assurance and the one holding the umbrella in the rain. So in 2015, this is my one and only resolution – to be an all-weather mum. Because my kids deserve the best from me at all times.