I stepped out of the door, closed it. Walked briefly towards the lift, turned back. Opened the door, hugged my 5yo as my 1yo walked towards us with open arms. He gave his brother a bear hug, while I waited for my turn. I bended down slightly, held him a little, turned around and closed the door…
All was calm on this cheery morning – but something just didn’t feel right.
When did he stop clinging on to me in the morning? It’s been weeks since I started my new job. I am not sure when did the little man started to get comfortable with the new schedule… I must have been too relief to notice the change (and tinge of pain) earlier. Where have my baby gone? It was as if he knew the drills. That mama will go no matter what he tries or how much he cries. A daunting fact sank in this morning as I took the morning train – He don’t need me that much anymore. He has tuned to our new schedule. But it seems like I have not moved on- secretly and selfishly wishing that he would miss me more.
I find myself constantly swinging from one end to another of the paradigm – wanting to drop it all, then swinging to the other end of wanting it all. Balance, is by far the toughest thing to do. Like it or not, for the working mothers of this time and age, it’s a balancing game. I carry 2 bags to work – a hand bag for my wallet, makeup and other essentials and a tote containing my breast pump and cooler bag. The prints on my tote stood out oddly from my otherwise professional outfit (ok, almost there la), like how motherhood may not always fit in very well in the workplace or stand out in my resume, but that is fine, cos it the finest role and highest calling in my life.
Can working mums like me really have it all?
I am on a quest again. But this time with a greater resolve to make it work.
I guess the fact that Manny has adapted well to our new arrangement is a promising start. The key however, is in the mind- I’m pretty sure I can have it all, if I don’t mind a little less on both ends.☺