It’s 4am, and I just cried my heart out and wallowed in self pity in the girls’ room. No, I didn’t intend to be a drama mama, and it wasn’t a big big deal that Renee walked in and out of 3 bedrooms a couple of times, opening and closing the doors; she woke no one up except me (thankfully). When asked, she said she was unable to sleep. But there was no space in my room as Chubby was sleeping beside so I told her to go look for daddy.
But I was worried, couldn’t put my mind to rest until I see that she was well and secure in bed… so after and convincing myself that I shld check on her (albeit every cell in my body yeaned to sleep), I walked out … and heard a small cry coming out from the girls’ bedroom. Renee was crying in a corner. She said she wouldn’t look for daddy as she was afraid of being scolded.
I could feel my anger burning within (unexplainable anger). I was so so SO TIRED. Instead of comforting her, I sent her off to bed in an authorative manner, sat by the side and started wailing. I sank deeper in self pity as I looked at the completely impossible situation on hand. I was completely stretched – all I could think of was the pending work and reports that needed to be done, 2 craft classes to run in the morning and I was wishfully hoping to squeeze in some time for the kids in the evening- all without compromising the well-being of my youngest in my womb – I really couldn’t afford to not sleep!
I doubt what I did was right (duh); it felt very wrong and I am disturbed enough to be here blogging instead of catching up on sleep. Surely it wasn’t something one would expect to read from a leaf of parenting 101, but it worked (I hope with little adverse effects), Renee said she could manage and told me to go. I really should be sleeping now, yet instead, I whipped out the phone, checked the time and quickly blogged this down.
Someone please tell me what to do. I am completely helpless. I do not know how to manage a new baby soon given that I am already drowning now. I rarely go out with friends, I do not watch tv, I dont even have time to read now. All I do is work, work, time with kids and more work. In between my only leisure is to blog and randomly participate in conversations on social media. Even facebook-ing isn’t a total leisure activity for me- I work part time managing fb page for my employer. I really do not know how else can I manage this. I really feel like a flickering candle – Not warm enough to warm out others, not bright enough to see the way ahead – yet burning and burning … burning out.